You count

I miss you some days, and I often don’t realise it until after 7.30pm when the older of you two leaves time for just the two of us. Or when time allows us the quiet darkness, tired but uninterrupted.

It doesn’t matter which.

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It’s often when we find each other fully for the first time since we wake.

That precious time when we can breathe each other in, and feel the depth of the connection you so often ask for during the day which I cannot always give.

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I see you on your bouncer and you smile at me, or reach out for me, or coo,

And I smile back, and coo.

Of course I do.

How could I not?

To me you are perfect.

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But as I reach for you, I’m so often pulled away by the needs of your sister instead.

She tells me she needs “that” book, or she’s hurt her hand, or she doesn’t like the dog inside.

And she can’t wait.

No matter how hard I try.

She doesn’t quite understand that you need me too, just the same, just yet.

⠀

So I tend to her and leave you on the bouncer, or having tummy time or lying in your cot.

You seem so understanding as your eyes follow me quietly until I’m out of sight, waiting for me to come back so we can try again. So I can pick you up, and smile with you.

It’s like you’ve become accustomed to it.

Like it’s your normal.

And I feel so guilty.

⠀

But I want you to know.

You may not feel seen right now, but I see you.

I see everything about you.

I see you even when you’re not seeing me see you.

When it’s late and dark.

When you have fallen asleep next to me and I would rather fight sleep than end our time.

Because you’ve made me see,

It’s about making the most of the small moments, the important ones, the ones I look forward to capturing and hate missing out on, no matter how fleeting.

It’s quality over quantity that matters.

And you are of the finest quality.

Just as she is.

So I may be out of your sight sometimes.

But you’re not out of mine.

I’m seeing you when it counts,

And I’m making it count.

Because you count,

Just as she does.