Human first

I feel like I’m constantly in a state of chaos.

There are dishes in the sink, laundry is bursting out of the basket, and I find toys in places I’ve forgotten existed. I’m cleaning when I can, but it remerges. I can’t get on top of anything.

And it’s like this most days.

The windows need a clean, there are cobwebs when I don’t look too hard, I need to mop the

floors, and the draws could do with a good sort. And the pantry, the fridge, the freezer, the

wardrobes, the filing cabinet. Pretty much everything that stores anything.

And then there’s my mind. Constantly on, tabs open, half closed, reopening, freezing,

needing rebooting and starting over. I’m forgetting things. Small things and big things. And

I’m feeling guilty about that. I’m trying to write lists, but seeing things not ticked off can be

stressful.

I’m wearing the chaos too. I often go without, just like those cabinets, draws and wardrobes.

My self-care is hard to find some days. I try hard, but when the needs of others are so

constant, so loud, so lacking in understanding of what it is to be patient, I wait. And when I’m

supported to take time, or when I make time, I’m still not ever dedicating that time solely to

myself. Those tabs are still open, and I’m still thinking about the chaos that awaits me.

And the thing is, it’s hard to sort, or tidy with little children at your feet, wanting to be

carried, interrupting you at all times. It’s hard knowing that any work will soon be undone. It

can be easier to not start. So, I often don’t, but the jobs keep waiting, and my mind keeps

bursting at the seams.

Until one day I can’t handle it.

I can’t breathe through it.

And I turn into the grumpy mum.

Then the guilty mum.

Then the sad mum.

Then the “it’s just a stage” mum.

Then the mum who keeps going anyway.

It can be hard living in chaos, no matter how utterly beautiful the reason for it is.

And I think it’s normal to feel this way sometimes.

To feel so out of control of everything around you that you lose control of your calm.

To have to try again better next time.

Surely.

Because you may be a mum,

But you were a human first.