Not just still

I see you.

Oh, how I see you.

Changing nappies, making bottles, giving piggy back rides.

Finding sippy cups, reading stories, falling asleep next to them.

Playing hide and seek, brushing their hair, being their clown.⠀

And in darkness I see you too.

In fact, I see you most then.

I have such deep need for you during those hours. 

To help me, to hold my hand, to bring me into the sunlight for them, even when I’m not ready.

I see you tending to them, being there for me, adding to your tired tomorrow.⠀

It means so much.

Encouraging me to go to bed earlier, checking on me at night, reaching out for me when I return to bed.

Being who I need when I need it most.

Waking with thoughts about work, sometimes leaving before we wake, and returning after they are in bed.

I know you are doing this all for us. ⠀

But I also know you must feel invisible some days.

I forget to tell you what I see.

I’m just so busy catching my own tail, being caught up in them, doing what I can to mother them well.

And as we move through many of our days doing nothing other than getting through to the next, I miss you.

Oh, how I miss you.

Even though you are right there.

Even though we have never been more of a team.

Even though there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than in this,with you, for them. 

I wonder if you feel it too - That constant longing to reconnect, in face of the strongest connection we will ever feel: Them. 

And as we start yet another day together but at arm’s length, 

Know that I’m still here.

I’ll always be here, even when you don’t see me, 

Just as you have been for me.

Know that I see you.

I miss you.

And I love you.

Oh, how I love you.

And not just still.⠀

But even more than before.