Roaring spark

Sometimes I wonder where my spark has gone.

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I don’t always laugh at jokes like I used to. Probably because I never get the chance to hear the end of them.

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The jump in my step is more of a drag right now. Probably because I’m carrying little children, and the heavy load that comes with them.

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I don’t get as excited about going out as much as I used to. Probably because there’s so much involved when taking children. So much to organise and prepare. And then there’s the day after fall out.

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I hardly sing along or dance just for the sake of it anymore. Probably because I’m too drained to see the fun in it. The closest I come to letting my hair down is blasting the music in the car when the children aren’t in the back.

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And sometimes I think about my apparent lack of spark.

Like when I catch my reflection in every day life right now.

Like when I look in my mirror that still needs a clean, wearing my maternity pants I still wear months after birth, and holding one of my two babies who are both still dependent on me for everything, including my energy.

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And I see a version of myself that is so different than before.

She’s so tired, worn, and imperfect.

She screams “In need of a break”.

And on the face of it the spark isn’t easy to see.

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But truth be told, this version of her is by far the most content, and loved, and free she has ever been.

And the spark IS still there.

In fact, there is so much more spark to this woman than ever before.

Now all of her sparks are combined at her core.

They roar deep within, underneath the misleading layers of her exterior and behaviours.

They’re the limitless love she has for them. The burning desire to be better for them, to do better for them and to be and do all she can to help them shine bright.

Because they are her spark.

Because they make her spark.

Because she wants them to feed off her spark and shine brightest of all.

And as I go to leave the mirror smudges for another day, I’m reminded of this as my baby smiles at me, my current reflection, more brightly than ever.

And I feel the spark to my core.

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I’m reminded that it’s still there,

Even if I can’t see it some days.