Big little needs

I’ll never be needed this much again.

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I won’t have to spend my minutes and hours, days and nights, weekends and holidays being someone’s constant.

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I won’t have to eat every meal in record time, reheat my coffee every morning or hide treats in the highest of shelves.

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I won’t have to ignore the dirty mirrors, the crumbs in the car, or the state of my nails.

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I won’t have to use the bathroom with a crowd, brush my teeth while dancing to the Wiggles, or shower with the door open.

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I won’t have little hands and feet touching every part of me when I feel touched out, or big emotions crashing into me when I feel like I’ve crashed.

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I won’t have to stop everything I start, restart everything I’ve stopped, or apologise for running late, again, and again.

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I won’t have to answer hundreds of questions, google many of the answers, or pretend that hearing the same sentence over and over is still surprising.

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I won’t have to do everything one handed, take far too long to leave the house or lug around a huge baby bag.

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I won’t have to answer their calls in the middle of the night to calm fears, or feed comfort, or simply lie there with them.

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I won’t have to wake before I’m ready, or try to sleep after I’m woken, or be tired every moment.

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Because the need right now,

The exhausting, intense, relentless and all consuming need,

It’s not forever.

It’s just now,

Right now.

And the right now will eventually fade into the time that I cannot keep up with,

Like it always does in this season.

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And one day it will be a different need.

A lesser, more distant need.

A need they don’t always ask for or accept.

One of needing to be picked up from a party, of needing money for a new car, or of thinking they “don’t need to talk about it” to anyone, including to me.

And that will be hard, and confusing,

I’m sure.

And I’ll want to be needed, just as I am right now,

All over again.

⠀

So while I’m here, right now, having never been so drained from being so needed in all my life, I’m reminding myself that I’ll also never be needed this much or in this way, ever again in my life.

And I’m holding onto them and their big needs a little tighter.