Every type of mum

Yesterday I was the surviving mum.⠀

I supervised screen time, we had takeaways for dinner and the washing was left on the clothes line.⠀

I was the let anything go mum, the let’s write off today mum, the let’s try that tomorrow mum.⠀

My fuse was short, my brain unmotivated, and my body tired.⠀

Wake time came too early and bedtime couldn’t come early enough.⠀

Nothing got achieved other than a huge pile of dishes, more washing and an overwhelming sense of guilt.⠀

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These days swallow me whole. ⠀

I tell myself that she’ll only remember these days.⠀

The ones where I label myself the under-par mum, the mediocre mum, the lazy mum, because that’s what I truly believe at the time. ⠀

I try to erase these days, like they are something to be embarrassed about.⠀

“I’m a bad mum”.⠀

“Stop being so lazy”.⠀

“I can do better than this”. ⠀

And I know I can,⠀

Perhaps tomorrow but just not today.⠀

So I wait for tomorrow. Will it spit me out and let me try again?⠀

⠀

It did.⠀

Today I was the thriving mum.⠀

We played outside most of the day, I managed to bake a cake and put away yesterday’s washing.⠀

I was the fun mum, the organised mum, the let’s get it done mum.⠀

I had the patience of a saint, my mind was positive and I had energy to burn. ⠀

We woke up smiling and I forgot the time at night. ⠀

The day was filled with laughter and purpose and I was left full of all the good.⠀

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These days give me strength.⠀

I tell myself that these are the days she deserves every day. ⠀

The ones where I feel like the good mum, the present mum, the made to do this mum, because that’s what I truly believe at the time. ⠀

I want to catch every moment of these days and hang them on the wall. ⠀

I am proud of them.⠀

I remember what I’m capable of.⠀

I don’t want them to end.⠀

But they do,⠀

And there are no guarantees for the next.⠀

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Tomorrow I don’t know what sort of mum I will be. ⠀

I want to be the today mum. I push so hard to be her always.

But that’s not tenable. I can’t be that mum every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year.⠀

That’s what I need to tell myself and believe.⠀

Because actually, that’s the truth.⠀