An empty wardrobe

It happens each time that we are due to go out. Mark’s shirts are ironed, Lottie’s dressed and fed, the car is packed. I am excited to be going out as a family for the first time in a long time. I ask Mark to look after Lottie while I get myself ready in the last 5 minutes spare. It’s amazing how efficient you become.

I do my hair and makeup first. Getting changed always comes last now. I figure that makeup and hair ruined by a baby can be easily fixed in a short space of time whereas stained clothes cannot.

I open up the wardrobe and am overtaken by the oh so familiar wave of panic. Shit. I have nothing to wear. I frantically work through the items in the wardrobe which these days is made up of items that I haven’t managed to part with for one reason or another (suits from my lawyer days, short dresses from my late teen stage and strapless tops from my pre-breastfeeding days) and my mum uniform (jerseys, sweat tops and pants, jeans, t-shirts and maternity tops). None of them will do so I attack the draws. Before long all items of clothes are sprawled across the floor. Lottie thinks it is funny. I don’t.

As stand up to take a breather and look down on Lottie in her new dress and shoes, I realise that I have not been prioritising me. I used to be into fashion. Not high end, but fashion nonetheless. With each event there was a new dress and with each new season another clothes drop off at the local op shop. I don’t want to have lots of clothes, that is not where my interests lie anymore. However, a few nice pieces would be nice. I deserve them. They would make me feel good.

As I pick up a pair of jeans with the least stains on them and a plain singlet top and start getting changed, I ask myself, why do I keep doing this?

I know the answer. I think about it every time I go to the wardrobe and need something special to wear. I keep doing it because I am so busy thinking about everyone else and what they need that I forgot about what I need. I keep reminding myself to do better but I am so busy thinking about everyone else and what they need that I forget that it is something important to remember. I do sometimes start to look online for clothes but I am so busy doing everything for everyone else that I get sidetracked and it doesn’t happen.

It’s a cycle that is hard to break. I haven’t yet broken it but I will keep trying because I deserve to wear something nice every now and again.