An empty backseat
As I looked in the review mirror, there was an empty seat behind me. It was covered in crumbs. The window was marked with finger smudges and the back of the front passenger chair covered in muddy footprints.⠀
These are the markings of her usual territory but she wasn’t there today.⠀
She was being looked after while I did things on my own. ⠀
It’s been a while since I’ve done this and I felt completely out of practise.⠀
I had accidentally taken her baby bag with me, even though she wasn’t with me. ⠀
I often looked in the review mirror to check her while driving, even through she wasn’t there to smile back at me.⠀
It took me a while to register that I could use the trolley tray at the grocery store, even though she wasn’t perched in it like normal.⠀
I got the grocery treat to take home for her, even through she wasn’t there to notice if I ate it on the way home.⠀
She was still at the forefront of my mind, even though she wasn’t there.⠀
Before the trip I couldn’t wait to get in the car on my own. I wanted time to do things for myself for a bit, at my pace. I wanted to blast the radio on the way, take my time at the grocery store and attend a workout class in town without the usual disruptions.
I enjoyed it, I did. It was freeing, things were easier, it was what I needed. But it felt a little unusual. It wasn’t my new normal.
I felt naked as I walked the streets without her on my hip or holding my hand, in the trolley or in the review mirror.⠀
My mind often wandered. What was she doing? What was she was having for morning tea? I hope she self-settles for her midday nap. ⠀
So while I was distanced from her physically, I was still close to her emotionally, in my thoughts and through my behaviours.⠀
That’s the thing about being a mother. ⠀
Even though your want your own time, you miss them when they’re not there.⠀
Even though you don’t want think for a moment about anyone else, you can’t help but think about them often.⠀
It’s true, you can take the woman out of the mother periodically, but you cannot take the mother out of the woman. ⠀
We are changed forever, but in the best way.