Your pillow

This is how some nights look now. Me right there. Close to you. The corners of books digging into my back, and my arm numb underneath the growing weight of you.

But only when you let me,

Because now it’s only then.

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You used to always need me close at night but I didn’t always oblige. Not in the very early days at least. And that pains me a little now. I was finding my way as a new mum, and getting lost in all the books.

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I’d place you down in your cot and hope you’d sleep. And when you didn’t, when you couldn’t without my help, I’d so often put my arms through the bars, touching you so I felt closer, but being too far away for you. I fought the urge to pick you up and cradle you, to let myself be your pillow.

And I thought that was the best thing for you. That if I didn’t let you learn on your own right away that somehow you’d never be able to do it on your own.

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But how wrong I was.

How wrong the books were.

In my experience, anyway.

Before long I gave in. And it was easier on us both. You got there in your own time and we got there in our own way, together.

But you’re so much bigger now. Gone are the days of cots, swaddling and white noise drowning out every emotion. Gone too are the days of you always asking for me while you fall asleep.

Here are the days of single beds, soft toys and cartoon duvets. Here too are the days of you needing me less.

And it’s bittersweet.

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So when you say “mummy hop in” and pat the space beside you, I always jump in without hesitation or a worry about what I may be undoing. Other than the things awaiting my attention outside of your single bed that is far too small for the two of us, nothing demands space in my mind.

I watch you fall asleep, desperately trying to make up for those early (some)times, where I read everything but you.

And often I fall asleep too, eventually waking to the sound of your brother who needs me, as you once did.

And I go to him. I hold him. I feed him to sleep. I follow his lead. And there are no bars between us because I know that he too will get there, regardless of how much I oblige.

And it’s thanks to you.

But I’m sorry you were my learning.

I’m learning too.