I free you

Dear body,⠀ ⠀

I have been upset at you recently. Through my miscarriage I felt that you failed me. I felt that you didn’t pay attention to my hurt and tested my patience because I often have tested yours.⠀ ⠀

I have said unkind things to you out of frustration and have mourned my “pre-baby” you more times than I can count.⠀I have doubted your ability and have worried about what it means for my future as a mother and as a woman.⠀ ⠀ It goes back further actually; To the day that I gave birth. ⠀ ⠀

While you were kind to me that day and I will be forever grateful for that, I have continually blamed you and my “post-baby body” for any apparent difference in my capability.⠀ ⠀

When I struggled to run as fast as I used to, it was you I blamed.⠀
When I struggled to lift the same weights as I once did, it was you I blamed.⠀
When I could no longer touch my toes while keeping my legs straight, it was, once again, you that I blamed.⠀ ⠀

The premise of the blame derived from my belief that birthing a child made me incapable of being at the same (or near to) level of physicality that I once was. As a result I didn’t try things I used to out of fear of failure. I blamed you, my post baby body. ⠀ ⠀

I treated you unfairly. ⠀ I know this now.
I did not give you what you deserve. ⠀ I know this now. ⠀
I did not afford you the opportunities to prove yourself. ⠀ I know this now.⠀

Recently, I was pleasantly reminded that it was not you that I should have been blaming for everything. It was my internal thoughts and beliefs that were dictating my thinking and held you prisoner.⠀ ⠀

I am sorry for doubting you.⠀ During a recent race that I competed in you proved to me that when I put my mind to it I can be what I used to be, or something close to.

You are strong, you are powerful, you are resilient. ⠀ ⠀

Recently I freed you.⠀
You will remain free.⠀
That’s what you deserve.⠀ ⠀

Mind over matter always.