My Christmas list
I’m about to take the “Merry” out of Merry Christmas.
Call me the Christmas Grinch, but as an adult I find Christmas less than satisfactory. Don’t get me wrong, it has to be the highlight of the year for a child who is younger than 10. I mean, who doesn’t like eating so much they almost throw up, fighting with siblings over the toys you wish you got and leaving 1000 messages on Father Christmas’ hotline with your Christmas wish list (on 0800 222 222 for those wondering) without getting any response because “Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now…ho, ho, ho”. It’s all fun and games until someone (normally an older sibling) leaks the truth. Once you get past feeling like you are big kid now who knows what only the adults know, it becomes that day of the year which is just not as exciting as it used to be and as people make it out to be.
In my normal grinch-like fashion I thought I would share with you my Christmas list. This is not like any Christmas list, packed full of materially wasteful and commercially driven plastic crap, but rather my list of the top 5 things I dislike about the 25 December:
Christmas Cake. Who even invented this dry, crumbly pathetic excuse for a cake? It never ceases to amaze me how a food that only 5% of people actually like, 10% lie and say they like (because they have manners) and the remaining 75% fucking hate, do not touch and do not give a hoot about whether they have manners or not, still manages to make its way into the Christmas dining experience in some way or form.
What’s more, it is the cake that either:
a. Remains untouched in the tacky cellophane wrapping, topped with a few red and green ribbons for good measure and is either regifted if remembered about before Christmas or left at the back of the cupboard to go mouldy. The latter does not take long, given it is a fruitcake with ingredients most people do not want to eat on their own or fresh (including but not limited to sultanas, currents, raisins and dates). And for the record, garnishing this in thick icing which is capable of breaking your teeth within a week of being in the tin does not increase the odds that your cake will be eaten. You cannot polish a turd; or
b. Is placed in the best baking tin which is brought out whenever ANYONE comes and ANY TIME until around February the following year in the desperate hope that it will be eaten. Interestingly, almost all visitors with taste buds say “no thanks, I have just eaten” when they are faced with the conundrum of Christmas cake upon entry. However, as soon as the Griffins sample box is offered, they have a change of heart: “Oh why not? It’s Christmas after all right?” before proceeding to eat their fair share of only ever the chocolate biscuits.
Christmas jingles - There can be nothing more cringe-worthy and annoying than over enthusiastic singers (because surely they cannot be called “artists”) on the television or sometimes in your local malls more often than not wearing nothing other than tight red dresses three sizes too small (ho, ho ho #punintended) and way too much makeup (naughty or nice?) singing cheesy songs with instruments which on their own would leave you feeling on edge at best (bells, tambourines, cymbals and anything else that needs to be either shaken vigorously or banged together with force) used throughout. To make matters worse, you then find yourself singing these ungodly tunes to yourself for the remainder of the day.
Soft porn or santa porn? Take your pick.
3. Christmas Decorations. Everything about Christmas decorations are tacky. The apparent jewellery line (which I believe should be called Flash & Annoy) includes:
A. Headpieces topped with reindeer which spring and bounce with only the slightest movement; and
B. Dangly earrings which flash with red and green; and
C. Tinsel wrapped around your neck which leaves you with a rash and an itch that will not subside for a few hours.
Then you have the Christmas decorations made for not only the tree, but for every other form of indoor chattel imaginable. Some in society go even further and spend what seems to be 80% of their income and many weeks decorating the outside of their houses with everything they have on show for a 1/12 of the year but which they can get no practical benefit from afterwards. From glittery snowmen, flashing lights woven through and over every window, door-frame, tree and fence post, reindeer and frightening garden gnomes popping out of every bush in the garden, there is no shortage. And for those so passionate about Christmas that sleep and neighbourly reputation are not priorities, the same one soundtrack of Christmas jingles on repeat can be heard blasting from their outdoor surround sound system which was installed for this sole purpose. Let’s not forget though, all this effort is for a cause: To win the prestigious local Christmas decorating awards which comes with a tiny mention in the daily newspaper, if lucky.
Case in point.
4. Weight gain - Christmas is the day where you are encouraged to enjoy the festivities. The day is nothing other than the biggest worldwide binge eating day. Many attend different venues throughout the day to spend time with different family members. You begin the day with chocolates and sweets from the Santa sack or your child’s. You enjoy a large buffet breakfast before continuing to snack on the food and drinks most likely to cling to your body for dare life for months to come (such as scorched almonds, sampler boxes, chocolate, liquor sweets and spirits). Like a pig, you then eat a two-course meal (normally a roast or BBQ of some sort which are equally as unhealthy) which you chase with pavlova, strawberries, ice-cream. To top the day off, you eat the leftovers for dinner or attend another venue to share the special day with other family members you haven’t seen over a further roast/ BBQ/desert combo.
As is the case with any binge eating marathon, at the end you are left questioning your behaviour and looking like the real-life father Christmas, with your tummy exploding over your pants which are normally by this point incapable of buttoning up.
That’s not where it ends either. Christmas is the start of the “I’ll start in the new year phase”. With leftovers within reach, you continue the festivities. You know full well that New Year’s Eve will be upon you in the coming days (yet another celebration which involves a much more exciting lead up than eventuates, but that is a story for another day) and decide you might as well write off the intervening periods.
What results from all this? More often than not, a New Year’s Resolution to “eat clean” and lose the weight put on during the festive season.
5. Having your child sit on some creepy old dude’s knee for a photo - Need I say more?
With Lottie in tow, I can’t be the grinch that stole Christmas this year. It’s important we celebrate the day because it is for her. We will, but the way we do that will be my way and will exclude points 1 to 3 above. Points 4 and 5 seem mandatory. I’ll just have to live with that.