Looking back at me

I see the way you look at me now.

It’s not the way you used to.

We don’t have as much time anymore.

I understand that.

Some days we don’t see each other until the final moments before bed, as we brush our teeth and reflect on all the tired.

And you hardly look at me, even though I don’t want to take my eyes off you.

It’s like you don’t want to see me anymore.

But to me you are still beautiful.

A different beauty yes, but worn by the same you I have always loved.

I love the new.

Like the lines around your eyes when you smile. They are because of what you have given us. The tired you go through for them. The sacrifice. The happiness. I just wish you would let me see them more.

And the marks on your stomach and legs. The ones you struggle to show me. They are permanent reminders of how much your body has done for you, for us. But also of how much it has stretched beyond limits for love. And to me they are exquisite art. Life painted on you for keeps. They deserve to be in a gallery. I hope you can see them the way I can one day.

And the empty patches on your hair line, with handfuls of leftovers falling into the sink. It may not come back. I know that you worry about that. You tell me, as you brush what you have left into yet another new part. I know it’s hard. But I wouldn’t notice if you didn’t tell me. I’m too busy trying to catch your smile.

And then there’s the softness of your edges, which you now cover up in oversized clothing. I don’t need you to tell me it bothers you. I see it does as you try on your old clothes sometimes. You toss them in a pile behind you, while you sit in your own heap of upset. Please size up more. Your softness deserves to fit. It is your softness that represents so much more than a number.

There’s so much I see when you let me.

So please let me see you more again, like you used to, before we had children.

I want to remind you that these changes are beautiful and worthy of love.

I want to show you how much confidence suits you.

It’s just I need you to take the first step.

Love,

Your reflection.