I wish I had known

Maternal was never something I thought I was. ⠀

I was never “clucky” and holding someone else’s baby never seemed to come naturally. ⠀

It felt awkward and stressful. ⠀

Every time I would jokingly preface the cuddle with “let’s see how long they last before they cry” and when they cried in my arms I would seriously think “see, I’m not made for this”. ⠀

I believed that I was not cut out for motherhood and doubted with every inch of my being whether I would ever be able to give my own baby enough if and when that time came. ⠀

When discussions were had about “trying”, it made me nervous. For a while I hid behind my “career goals” to delay the process. When I got pregnant I would joke with friends, family and work colleagues about the wager that was on about how soon I would be back at work. I said 6-12 months but sooner was what I actually thought. ⠀

They were all ways of protecting myself from what I thought was going to be the inevitable struggle to connect with my baby once born. ⠀

That was not my reality. ⠀

The moment I became a mother, I knew I was born for it. The love I had for my baby was limitless. The connection we had in the first moments was like nothing I had ever experienced.⠀

My chest was the only one she wanted to snuggle into.⠀

My arms were the only ones she wanted to cradle her.⠀

My scent was the only one that gave her comfort.⠀

There was no awkwardness, just a natural reaction to someone else’s needs. ⠀

There was no return to my former work, just a new lifestyle that has become my priority. ⠀

When I look back now, I wish I had known a few things.⠀

I wish I knew that one’s motherhood journey cannot be predicted. ⠀

I wish I knew that failing to connect with babies that were not my own was not a marker of a destined inability to connect with my mine one day. ⠀

I wish I knew natural maternity can be born at the same time as your baby. ⠀

⠀

This is what I know now. ⠀