A hard time

I felt helpless as we were crammed into the seat with him awkwardly over my lap.

He arched his back and kicked out every time he saw my smile covered by a mask,

Every time I tried to latch him,

Every time the air hostess offered something,

Every time someone made a noise,

For almost every moment of the time we were restrained in the air,

And it felt like the longest time.

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Every moment I had a brief reprieve from the cries (like in the first photo), I would whisper to the stranger next to me, “I’m sorry”.

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Because I felt that way.

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I felt sorry for her and every one else on the plane.

I don’t like inconveniencing others, even when things are out of my control.

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And I felt a bit sorry for myself.

Because I was having a hard time, even though I told myself “everyone’s been here before”.

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But I mostly felt sorry for him.

My little guy who felt so distressed.

My little boy who was having such a hard time, the hardest of everyone and whose cries were not to inconvenience, but to express how hard of a time he was having.

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Not being able to see the familiar smile, now covered by a mask would have been unusual for him. And although I broke the rules and let my smile show at times, it was still hard for him.

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Not being able to be walked around in familiar territory, now surrounded by unknown faces and noises all within close proximity would have been unsettling for him. And although I tried everything, it was still hard on him.

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He was having a hard time. A really hard time.

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And I know I shouldn’t have apologised to the lady next to me.

Because babies cry.

My baby felt distressed.

And there was no inconvenience to anyone other than my own feelings.

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But it’s hard not to worry about being judged sometimes for the hard your child is going through.

No matter how much you tell yourself or others tell you not to.

No matter how many times you’re told “we’ve all been there”.

No matter what.

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I think it’s one of the hardest parts of parenting.

Letting go of feeling judged.

Letting go of expectations.

Letting go of caring about what everyone else may (or may not) think.

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And I think it’s ok to admit that.

Even if that’s hard too.