Getting past first base
Friends. We all need them. They are there to laugh at you, with you and for you. They offer a shoulder to cry on, a second opinion on everything and constant reminders of your most embarrassing moments.
In your younger days you are given platforms to meet friends. Toys, sandpits and playgrounds help form your relationships initially. Through intermediate to secondary school, you have things like school camps and boarding school. Through University you have flat warming parties, garden parties, and any other adjective with the word “party” at the end.
Then it all suddenly stops. You have finished your tertiary study and are officially deemed an “adult”. You need to find a job and earn your keep. For many this means a fresh start, a move away from those friendship circles formed into the unknown of a new town or simply your own home town which many of your friends are not yet ready to return to yet. I was in the latter.
After University I returned to Hawke’s Bay for my first job as a graduate solicitor. Known as a town where people come back to “settle down”, many of my High School and University friends did not get jobs in Hawke’s Bay. From being given endless friendship platters to choose from without having to lift a finger, to suddenly having to shop around for friends (no money was exchanged I promise) was a shock to say the least.
The thing is, unless you work in a job which is ageist towards all groups other than one which spans a 10-year period, your workplace does not necessarily tend to be a friendship spading ground. The morning tea quiz and the Friday night drinks are helpful, but not normally game changers in terms of finding ever lasting friendships. Finding flatmates requires advertisements or word of mouth and finding friends close by with similar interests means joining endless groups and clubs. You have to be proactive and put effort in for once. It is new territory in which you are not accustomed, and while you always have your ready made friends (the ones who have been around for as long as you can remember and who share with you a relationship which picks up right where you left off every time you see each other despite long periods of no contact), it can be a tough gig finding new friends who you can get past first base with (by this I mean discussions which include anything deeper than where you are from, what your go to Netflix series is and who your favourite designer is).
It was not until I became a mum that meeting new people became easier again. Having a child is actually the best friendship date card you can get. From the antenatal classes, breast-feeding classes, swimming lessons, Mainly Music dates, mum and bubs fitness classes, and endless other groups which are specifically designed for mums connecting (with your baby being your entry card), there is certainly no shortage of choice. Not only is it easier to make friends in that you all have a common interest (children), your picking is again generally narrowed down to a certain age group (20-40).
Through my motherhood journey, I have met some truly amazing new people. Having been based in Hawke’s Bay during my pregnancy through to Lottie’s initial few months, I formed close friendships and support groups. Little spade work was required and we got to at least 2nd base (sharing our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities and sometimes our wardrobes).
Life of course then threw another curve ball. Mark got a job in Dannevirke. This meant moving away from our supports and starting fresh again. There was no room for complacency. As newbies, we needed to put ourselves out there or find ourselves back in our former predicament post University but with even less of the scope to meet people by virtue of Dannevirke’s small population.
As soon as we moved to “Vegas” it became apparent that the town has much to offer in terms of mum groups. By week four we were attending Mums and Bubs fitness group, Mainly Music and the Milk Bar. From then, I felt confident enough to attend early morning boot camp classes with other Dannevirke locals without my baby entry card. I already feel overwhelmed by the number of welcoming people in this new community. While many friendships are still in the spading stage and are tittering around first base (as described above) I feel welcome and excited to learn more about each and every soul.
Perhaps making friends gets harder for a reason. If it was as easy as it used to be, you wouldn’t associate with others that you normally would and possibly miss opportunities for personal growth, you would remain in the safe/comfortable zone, become complacent and possibly narrow minded.
Whatever the reason, I think it’s important to keep spading your way past first base because finding true friendship does not come easy. It may take you years and your friendship pool may become limited considerably through the journey, but the ones that let you use their hairbrush without giving it a second thought, the ones who hold your hair back when you have had a few too many vinos without questioning why you drank so much and the ones who show up without needing a reason, are the ones worth waiting for and, when you find them, holding on to.