Breaking the broken

Mama,
I see you,⠀

Waking up when you’re not ready, tending to them with the energy you don’t have, wondering what else you could do differently, reading everything, trialling anything, but nothing.⠀

Nothing works, nothing feels easy, nothing seems fair. ⠀

⠀

I see you, ⠀

Starting each day with an empty tank, digging into your reserves, forever hoping tonight will be different, comparing. ⠀

Comparing yourself, comparing them, comparing everything to anything.⠀

⠀

I see you,⠀

Cat napping with your eyes open, operating with your eyes closed, wanting to do everything but struggling.⠀

Struggling to do anything, struggling to feel “normal”, struggling to be the mum you know you can be.⠀

⠀

I see you,⠀

Initially wanting to vocalise your struggles, to feel validated and not alone, but eventually not saying anything, just coping.

Coping internally, coping silently, coping this way because no sleep has become your normal. ⠀

⠀

I see you,⠀

Doing your best in the circumstances, surviving the conditions, always wondering.⠀

Wondering how much more you can take, wondering what will make the difference, wondering when this too shall pass. ⠀

⠀

I see you, ⠀

Exhausted mama whose toddler is still not sleeping through.⠀

I’ve been there, I get it.⠀

But please know that it does pass, ⠀

You do sleep again,⠀

You will get through it. ⠀

⠀

I can see this now, ⠀

Because finally I’m on the other side, out of the blur, sleeping again, for now.⠀

For now, I can think straight, for now I can operate properly, for now I’m able to be the mum I want to be. ⠀

⠀

I cannot predict how long it will last, but for now is enough.⠀

Your for now will come mama,⠀

And when it does, sometimes you will find yourself next to them after they have fallen into a deep sleep which will remain unbroken, ironically missing some of those broken moments you desperately wished away before. ⠀

I want you to see this too.⠀