Big enough for both

I love them,
But I’m tired.
I’m always so tired.
I’m tired from little sleep, so many emotions, the constantness of it all.
When will it end?
But please don’t,
Because everything else that comes with it might end too.
Because this is such a wholesome chapter.
I’m so empty but full.
And I love them so much.
Did I mention that?
More than all the sleep I could have.
I love this chapter more than any other I’ve written already.
But I’m so exhausted.
Nothing has ever been so tiring.
I’d love a nap.
Or a sleep through.
Just so I can dream of them more and have more energy when I wake to them.
Because I love them.
But I’m sure I’ve mentioned that.
⠀
I’m so grateful for them,
But I need a break.
A holiday would be great.
Or just a day off.
And a night.
Because it’s not either/or right now.
It’s all hours.
But then I’d miss them.
I know I would.
I do when they’re in the next room sleeping.
What is sleep again?
What was I saying again?
Sorry, mum brain.
Motherhood’s strange.
But yes, it feels so strange without them.
I feel empty, and limbless.
Because we are one right now.
And I’m so grateful to experience the privilege of being their everything.
Have I said that?
I feel so honoured to have the need for a break from loving them so much as being my biggest problem.
But they are not the problem.
Life and all it’s other demands are.
⠀
I love being a mum,
But it’s hard sometimes.
I feel lost,
Like I’m missing parts of myself.
And time,
There’s never enough time.
For anything or anyone.
But I love being a mum.
I’ve said that right?
Because it’s the best job in the world.
It’s not even work.
But it is.
Hard work.
The hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Yet I choose it.
Without question.
And I’d choose it over and over again.
Hard, missing pieces, never enough time included.
Because they are worth it.
The easier will come one day, and that will be harder.
⠀
I love them, I’m so grateful for them, I love being a mum.
Did I mention that already?
Because I do.
With every single fibre.
And because I can be both, of all.
In love and tired, grateful and touched out, content and lost.
We can be both, always.
Motherhood is big enough for both.