Being bothered

Oh how I’m grateful, so so grateful to be a mother. Don’t I know it. Don’t I make sure I remind myself every waking minute. ⠀

But yesterday was one of those “I can’t be bothered” days.⠀

Controversial perhaps, but true. ⠀

I just felt like my breakfast, my coffee and dare I say it, having myself to myself for even just a moment.⠀

I wanted not to be needed, or relied upon or called on every minute. ⠀

I wanted to hear myself breathing, feel myself breathing, remember to breathe.⠀

Some days it doesn’t feel like there’s the opportunity.⠀

But oh how I love her, so so much. Don’t I know it. Don’t I feel it with every inch of my being.⠀

But some days I just want space.⠀

To use both hands.⠀

To finish what I start.⠀

To do more than unload the dishwasher and call it a “win”.⠀

Yesterday was one of those days. I knew it as soon as I woke up.⠀

I could hear her grizzling at 5am. She normally sleeps til 6am when her dad wakes.⠀

Was there any point trying to resettle her? ⠀

Let’s just get up now.⠀

Oh but I’m tired. I just want to lie here doing nothing. Resting my eyes without light, my ears without noise and my body without the pulls.⠀

Is it too much to ask?⠀

It all annoyed me. Normally it wouldn’t.⠀

What a dilemma. It wasn’t but felt like one. ⠀

I tended to her, as I always do.⠀

I made myself bother, as I always do. ⠀

Of course I did. Because I love her. I’d do anything for her. She’s my everything. ⠀

But everything wasn’t easy yesterday.⠀

The rest of the day felt long and drawn out.⠀

Surely it’s 2.00pm already? Nope it’s 9.30am. ⠀

Please be bedtime already. Is 5.00pm too early for bed?⠀

It bothered me that I felt this way too. ⠀

Oh how I get bothered by feeling like this when these days happen. ⠀

Be grateful. You don’t know how lucky you are. Enjoy every moment.⠀

These thoughts are a constant bother.⠀

Because I am those things. I do know. I do try.⠀

Oh how I’m grateful, so so grateful.⠀

Oh how I know how lucky I am, so so lucky.⠀

Oh how I love being a mum, so so much. ⠀

Don’t I know it. Because I do. With every fibre. ⠀

I really do.⠀

But some days I just can’t be bothered being bothered all the time. ⠀

Yesterday was one of those days. ⠀