Beady eyes

I needed to pop into the supermarket. I was wearing my “I hope I don’t see anyone” attire. My matted hair was hidden under a cap, my sunglasses remained on for as long as possible and my milk stained top from breastfeeding in the front seat was disguised by a sweatshirt I found in the boot. I felt distressed at the thought of someone seeing me. But I had to go. I needed baby wipes. Why’s it always baby wipes?

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I put him in the capsule holder and around the supermarket we went. I was in a rush. I didn’t want to be seen. And my main focus was scanning the area in front for known oncoming traffic.

We got to the baby aisle, finally. I was relieved that I hadn’t seen anyone yet or rather, that no one had seen me.

I spotted the wipes and pushed the trolley passed a lady stocking the shelf.

I think I smiled at her in my haste. I hope I did. I can’t remember.

As I reached for the wipes I heard her say, “he hasn’t taken his eyes off you”.

I turned to her and she repeated it once more, with a smile. I smiled back. I know I did. It was a memorable moment.

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Then I turned to him. And sure enough,

his big beady eyes were locked on me.

And as ours met, he smiled as if to say, “mum, seeing you makes me happy”.

And there was a shift, a beautiful realisation that I was perfect to him exactly as I was. That my matted, milk stained, self-conscious self was all he could see, all he wanted to see.

And I had missed that, when I was too busy desperately trying to have that version of myself missed by others.

It seemed so silly in retrospect.

It always does.

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So we took our time for the rest of the shop. And my main focus was him as we scanned the aisles for other things I needed but hadn’t wanted to waste time on earlier.

We smiled a lot, coo’d and I was relaxed.

I didn’t see anyone but it wouldn’t have worried me, not then.

I had been reminded that someone sees the beauty in me, even if I can’t.

And that had given me perspective.

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Sometimes we just need to see things from a different view, like from behind the beady little eyes that never leave us,

Even if we need to be reminded to by a stranger in the supermarket.

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I’m so glad we needed the wipes.