Battle worthy

I should be resting. I am trying to rest. But my mind doesn’t ever really switch off. It is all over the show with what is about to come. It is full to the brim with questions, worry, excitement, anticipation, wonder, gratitude, tiredness, and google search results. ⠀⠀⠀⠀

The waiting and the unknowns, they all take their toll.⠀⠀⠀⠀

I had this the first time round, but not like this.⠀⠀⠀

I had no idea what to expect with any aspect of pregnancy, birth or motherhood back then.⠀⠀⠀⠀

And I’m not talking about all the things we read in text books. I’m talking about the things we learn through experience.⠀⠀⠀⠀

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I didn’t know how incredible the female body is or how much pressure it is placed under during pregnancy.⠀⠀⠀⠀

I didn’t know how much birth would empower me, or turn my mind to what could go wrong. ⠀⠀⠀⠀

I didn’t know how much motherhood would shape me, or challenge every part of me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀

I didn’t know how precious of a gift it is to experience the entire journey, or what it is to experience loss.⠀⠀⠀⠀

And I didn’t quite understand what is at stake throughout it all, a child who steals your heart. ⠀⠀⠀⠀

Now I do, and it’s a lot to comprehend. ⠀⠀⠀⠀

Knowledge is power, but I feel powerless in the midst of my mind right now. It’s constantly torn, a battle ground of knowledge and experience. ⠀⠀⠀⠀

I just want to cherish the last few moments of my pregnancy, because I know it’s sacred. ⠀⠀⠀⠀

But I also just want to get to the birth now and know that everything is ok.⠀⠀⠀⠀

I just want to cherish the time with my eldest, because I know it will all be different soon.⠀⠀⠀⠀

But I also just want to have my heart stolen again and start this new chapter.⠀⠀⠀⠀

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My mind won’t surrender. Not this time. And there is a very good reason for that.⠀⠀⠀⠀

It’s all thanks to the girl wrapped around my neck.⠀⠀⠀⠀

Thanks to her I worry so much more, I overthink so much more, and I feel so much more. ⠀⠀⠀

Thanks to her I see so much more, I embrace so much more and I cherish so much more.⠀⠀⠀

Thanks to her I know so much more, I question so much more, and I love so much harder.⠀⠀⠀

Thanks to her, I know it’s all worth it,⠀

And that’s everything worth battling over. ⠀