Again

I’m holding my baby who just wants to be held, while watching my toddler about to do something she shouldn’t, again.

Im wearing my husband’s hoody and eating leftovers from my child’s plate, again.

I’m using a teaspoon because the forks are in the dishwasher unwashed, again.

I’m forgetting to breathe while I eat, again.

I haven’t had nearly enough water today, again.

I still haven’t had a shower today, again.

That reminds me, I still haven’t rung the plumber, again.

So I must remember to put it on my to-do list, again.

My kitchen is messy, again.

No wait, everything is messy, again.

I need to wash the baby bouncer cover, again.

Because that’s been spewed on, again.

But I can’t because I’ve run out of washing powder, again.

And honestly I can’t face getting the children back in the car to go to the shops, again.

Because that means I need to sort much of the above, which I don’t have the energy for, again.

I’m just so tired, again.

All this, and it’s still only lunchtime, again.

⠀

And again, I’m sharing this part of motherhood.

And again, it’s paired with an unflattering photo.

Because again, this is what they see a lot of the time.

Doing things, again and again, for them, before me.

And sometimes not doing things again and again for me, after them.

That’s what being a mother is.

⠀

And this is the part of motherhood that I will always be proud of.

And I want this to be documented, as much as the beautiful photos, and perfect moments, and memories of me investing in myself which are rare but so important.

Because again and again I show up for them first and that shouldn’t be the last thing I celebrate.

It shouldn’t be left on my phone storage and deleted to make room for the perfect.

It shouldn’t not be talked about or treated as just another mother complaining.

It deserves a place in a frame and an album.

It deserves a place in journals and books.

Because one day it will serve as a reminder that I was their again, every day for years,

The hard but beautiful years.

And I’ll never want to forget any of it.

I’ll want to remember every single detail,

Again and again,

All over again.

⠀