Tired to the core

This won’t be a pretty poem or piece of prose. I don’t have the energy for that today. Truth be told, I can hardly string two sentences together.

But I want to capture this moment and share my thoughts around it because sometimes, just sometimes, it’s in the very moment that we can truly understand how we are feeling at the core.

In this very moment at the core I am feeling exhausted. I am feeling irritable. I am feeling moody.

I am feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat, or explode, or literally fall asleep standing up.

The gas cylinder has been beeping for what seems like hours. It all seems so loud. I just want it to stop. Please stop.

I can’t find anything I need, and it’s making me frustrated, more frustrated than normal.

And I have almost no patience for the big emotions, mine included.

But here we are.

This is what happens when you have broken sleep, when you’re sleep deprived, when you’re in early motherhood.

This is real.

This is candid.

This is normal.

It’s not every day that I feel like I could fall into my coffee cup, but today is one of those days.

And I’m reminded that I’ve been here before and got through it.

That tomorrow will be different.

That it gets easier.

And this is true.

But I want to acknowledge that in this moment doing things on little sleep, and broken sleep and anything but sleep is hard.

And I want to acknowledge that it is hard because sleep is a basic human need, like food and water are.

And I want to acknowledge that at the core, it is what we require to function, let alone function well.

I want to acknowledge these things because right now I’m being hard on myself for feeling this way.

And it becomes harder than it should be.

And it’s not fair, on me or them.

So today I remind myself it’s not about doing all the things, but doing the basics.

Because without the “basics” including sleep, it’s not fair to expect anything more of myself.

And at a basic level, which is all I can consider right now,

I’m relieved.

Because I’m cutting myself some slack,

Because I’m giving myself some grace,

Because I’m being realistic.

And it’s (en)lightened me,

Right down to the core.