Ugly lows

I’m an ugly crier.

But that doesn’t matter, because sadness doesn’t care about looks.

It effects everyone, in differing degrees.

I have never been diagnosed with PPD or PPA, although I’ve sometimes wondered whether I have experienced bouts of them.

Regardless, we all experience lows.

I have experienced many since entering Motherhood.

They come in waves.

But they cannot be predicted.

Nothing can be predicted in Motherhood, other than the next time you’ll be needed, which is all the time.

After I had our second child, the frequency of lows has increased.

I cry more.

I hold more guilt.

I hold more worry.

I hold more of everything.

Because there is more of everything.

More pulling at me, when “I just can’t right now”.

More crying for me, when I need to help one before the other.

More following me, when I need a minute to go to the loo having delayed it for far too long.

And this is to be expected.

There’s more of them to love so vulnerably.

There’s even more at stake now.

There’s more to carry practically and emotionally.

But there’s still only one of me.

And some days it just gets too much.

Everything I’ve been holding in. All that more. I just can’t anymore. There’s no space left.

So I let it out. All that very normal part of being human is unleashed. It flows from the cracks formed from being everything to everyone.

And as I sit in my low, I hear the highs outside in a different room down the hallway. Little giggles echoing as they play with their father.

They are so perfect, I think to myself.

And then I ugly cry some more. This time about how lucky I am.

There’s such a myriad of contrasting emotions in motherhood. And they are almost always exaggerated by the deep love that courses through your veins.

It’s a lot.

But they are the lot that make it worth it.

So I take a deep breath, wipe the last tear, and return to my duties.

My eyes a tad puffy, my cheeks a bit shiny, but my heart bursting with love for them.

And I carry on.

Like mothers do.

We all experience lows.

Here’s to normalising them.

Even if they’re not pretty.