Shaking foundations

I’ve never had to care for myself so much, yet it feels like I don’t have the time.

Every day I’m on a hamster wheel giving my all. Round and round we go. I’m making it all spin for them and we are making ground, so much ground, but it’s hard to see some days.

I feel like my foundations are shaking.

I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks.

Any time I’ve been to the doctor, it’s been an appointment prompted by my children’s needs first, and me joining in second.

And the dentist, well that’s another story.

I like getting my eyebrows done, but the space between getting them done and needing them done again seems far too short right now. So I rarely bother.

And that’s just the physical aspects of this thing called self-care.

I can’t remember the last time I read a few chapters of a book without falling asleep early on, or having to re-read most of them again to catch up when I get another chance.

I can remember the last time I had a bath. It was last week. It was not relaxing. It was shortened by a baby who woke an hour after bed time.

I don’t meditate, but I always think I should start. The closest I come to deep breathing is late at night when the house is finally clean(ish), and I lie down to try and sleep. But then it turns shallow again, as anxiety around when I will next be up creeps in.

And I can feel the shake of this all.

I know self-care is important.

But honestly, most days I can rarely do up the button on my pants or tie my hair in a bun before having to tend to something they need.

They need so much.

So much from me that by the time I have time for me, I’m often too tired for it or I have to use the last bit of energy I have to tend to everything that needs to be finished, like work emails that can’t wait, or washing that has been waiting for my attention for days.

So I wait.

My needs often wait.

And it’s not ideal.

But motherhood is not always an ideal world.

And being this way doesn’t always mean martyrdom either.

It can simply mean that there’s a mother trying to find time for herself, in a chapter of time largely dictated by those who need her most.