Shaken

I wasn’t prepared for how much the transition from one to two children would shake me.

I wasn’t prepared for missing my eldest, when she’s with me, or my youngest when I’m with not with him.

I wasn’t prepared for how much time I would never be able to find. How late I’d be up at night or how early the day would start.

I wasn’t prepared for how much I’d be stretched mentally and physically. How two hands are not enough sometimes, or how there’s never enough room in my mind.

I wasn’t prepared for how much I can’t get done on top of being their everything. And how much that would test me some days.

I wasn’t prepared for how much easier it feels with just one of them for a while. How that actually feels like a break, which isn’t.

I wasn’t prepared for how much more I’d need from my husband. How much of my “less than” he’d need to embrace more and his trying I’d need to celebrate.

I wasn’t prepared for how touched out I’d feel. How taking myself on coffee dates with my thoughts for as much as an hour would help me feel like myself again.

I wasn’t prepared for how hard going days on end without a break could be. How much a village proves to be crucial. How much I’d appreciate my friends who I hardly see anymore.

I wasn’t prepared for it.

But I also wasn’t prepared for how much love I have for them both. For my family. For being a mother of more than one.

I wasn’t prepared for how being a mother of multiples would shake me loose and piece me back together in a way I’m so proud of.

I wasn’t prepared for how much love they would have for each other. How much their bond fuels me.

I wasn’t prepared for just how much I ache when I think of this being any different.

I wasn’t prepared for any of it.

But I didn’t need to be.

Because this is where I’m meant to be.

It feels unprepared, but right.

And that’s all that really matters.