Being present

Normally when 11.00am hits, I keep myself busy while I wait for those little cries to stop. I boil the kettle, unload the dishwasher, put some washing on or sort the pantry. I do anything to distract myself from those stressful pre-sleep grizzles. Then when all is silent, I’m calm knowing that she is relaxed. It is like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.

I wait a few minutes just to be sure before getting back to frantically doing everything. This time its not about distracting myself from my pulled heart, but doing as much as I can to make later on easier. It’s about taking my opportunities when I can so sitting down to do something for me is shoved into my back pocket and forgotten about when my jeans go through the wash. Well, that was the case prior to the current chapter we all find ourselves in.

It’s different now. I’m in no rush to do anything. There is always another day. So when there is silence I often just sit and enjoy the time for myself. I am trying to be present in these moments, not just a passing visitor like normal.

Instead of sculling a luke warm microwaved coffee that has been reheated five times before hanging out the washing, I am slowly sipping away at a freshly made coffee when the temperature is just right.

Instead of eating the leftover crusts sitting on the kitchen bench, I am making poached eggs on toast and watching the egg yolk run onto the toast before taking a bite.

Instead of working from my phone while using my spare hand to clean up toys, I am sitting down and reading a book or putting pen to paper without any distractions.

While there are moments during my attempts for personal presence that the mess catches my eye and my mind wanders to unhelpful places, refocusing has not been as difficult as it normally is.

Right now, I am at ease knowing that there is another day tomorrow to do what I need to. I know this won’t be the setting I have much longer. The days will look different again sometime soon and being present for myself during nap time will be a challenge again. However, there will still always be another day. I just need to make sure that that other day doesn’t become regularly assigned to my own time because we all know at that point it won’t happen.