Late nights, early mornings

I put them to bed.

But that’s not the end of the day.

Not even close.

Sometimes it feels like the start.

I tend to the mess first.

There’s always so much mess.

It’s a mess of fun, learning and love, but it’s hard to see it like that at this point.

I put the toys away.

Down on my knees, one by one, I put them back where they came from.

I crawl around the floor finding them, they’re always spread so wide.

I put books back on shelves.

I fold sheets used for foughts and rearrange cushions used as jumping mats.

I then tackle the washing pile.

The washing is endless.

I fold it into piles as I tell my husband how tired I am.

He’s doing the dishes at the sink.

He’s not doing it quick enough though.

I need more help.

It’s been a tough day.

He doesn’t get it.

I tell him all of that too.

I’m always at my worst at this time.

But I don’t tell him that.

Why’s it so hard to admit to them?

I then put another load of washing on.

I think “didn’t I just wash this?”,

Or “where did all this washing come from?”

Then I tidy up some emails, while my husband does the same.

And then I encourage him to go to bed.

I tell him “I’ll be there soon”.

But I’m not,

Not always.

There’s still more.

There’s always more.

I sweep the kitchen.

Then vacuum sometimes.

I know I don’t need to.

“What’s the point?” I ask myself.

But I crave some order.

And when all that’s done I sit in the quiet by myself on my phone,

For far too long.

But it feels too short.

And then I see the time.

And feel guilty for not spending time with him.

And for the added tired my children will get tomorrow.

But I so needed this.

Boy did I need this!

I then check the children.

I watch them for a while.

“They’re so perfect”, I think.

I leave washing piles outside of their rooms,

Brush my teeth,

Fall into bed beside him.

But I don’t fall asleep.

Not straight away.

I overthink,

Then scroll some more,

Then toss and turn,

Then go to the loo, again.

And when I’m finally asleep.

It’s not for long.

It’s never for long.

Because I’m called upon.

So I’m up again,

When it’s not even close to morning.

And I think to myself,

“I just should’ve gone to bed earlier”.