What she is living

How today has looked (and it’s only 11.00am).

I wake up tired.

My bladder and other children meant a night of broken sleep.

My body feels so heavy now. My legs are in pain. I think my varicose veins have either clotted or are infected. I just want to keep sleeping with my legs resting, but I can’t. My husband has to go to work. Even if he didn’t, I can’t sleep easily anyway.

This is the third trimester.

I have an appointment with the doctor this morning. It’s not an overly early one, but it feels like it. I’m constantly rush-waddling to get the children sorted, and re-sorted. Then the house. Then myself. And it feels stressful. And exhausting. I’m stopping often to lean on something to take a breath.

I realise we are running late. Most of everything I wanted to get finished before leaving the house has to remain as is. I’ll deal with it later I think - but that thought feels overwhelming. There’s always so much to do. Everything feels overwhelming at present.

I apologise to the children for being tired and grumpy on the way. It feels like I’m saying “sorry” a lot right now. “Too much”, I tell myself. I can feel the tears welling.

We arrive and I get the children out the of the car. I’m loaded with them, and all of their things. A random man approaches me and says “I don’t know how you do it”. I reply “neither do I”. He says “you are doing great”. My lips start to shake.

We get inside. I see the doctor. She offers the children crackers and me some advice. She confirms I likely have an infection in my leg. Offers support and validates how hard it must be for me right now. I cried. Like ugly cried. And she held me. Like properly held me.

I could feel her solidarity.

I needed that more than I knew.

I get the children home and carry on. It’s still hard, but it’s easier knowing my feelings around pregnancy being hard are validated, and that I am doing a great job.

Moral of the story - if you see a mother with her hands full (pregnant or not), remind her that she’s doing a great job, and that her hard is not something she is imagining - but something she is living.