Sharing - The entire story

“You’re not the best sleeper”.

This is what I tell them.

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“We are up every few hours, sometimes more”.

This is what I also tell them.

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“This is what your sister did too, so it’s our normal”.

This is what I tell them every single time.

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Because this is true.

This is us right now.

But there’s more that I don’t always tell them.

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I don’t always tell them you only fall asleep on me, or beside me, or holding me. That my skin is your pacifier, and my chest your pillow.

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I don’t always tell them that I feed you to sleep. That I love this time of just the two of us, and the quietness that comes from the one thing that calms us both.

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I don’t always tell them that I let you sleep on me while I delay the transfer to the cot, knowing full well that all the work will be undone as soon as you touch the mattress.

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I don’t always tell them that I sometimes lie in your cot with you, in physical discomfort but emotionally comforted by our closeness.

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I don’t always tell them that you’ve been between your dad and I more than the walls of your cot lately, your sister often filling the empty-less spaces anytime from 2am.

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I don’t always tell them that your dad has been in the spare bed more, because some nights it’s just easier.

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And I never tell them that the nights of us all having some sleep together, is better than having no sleep apart.

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Because sleeping this way isn’t seen as “right”.

It doesn’t feel socially acceptable.

Because it feels like somehow I’m failing.

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And it’s ridiculous.

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Because these things couldn’t feel anymore right.

Because this is how we survive during the day.

But also because this is also how you thrive some nights.

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And that’s all that matters.

What’s working for us is acceptable, even if society doesn’t make it feel like it is.

What’s easy on my heart is best, even if it’s hard for others to understand.

Doing what feels right is not failing.

It’s really the only way.

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So I’m going to start telling them,

The whole story.

Because there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Doing right by our family is to be celebrated,

Even if others don’t share the same story.