I let us down today

Dad was at work.  It was just me and you.

Things were going well initially.  You watched and played as I exercised, we filled up the pool and you ate snacks, lot of snacks. I cleaned a bit but I couldn’t really be bothered. You played outside again for a while as I hung out some washing.  The sun was out and the birds were chirping.  You were smiling from ear to ear as you picked blades of grass and watched them blow away in the wind. At some point we had a one-sided conversation about the colour of the sky.  It might have been boring but I tried my best. As you rubbed your eyes, I knew the time was nearing.  We had had a busy morning and before long you would need to rest your head on your pillow and have a long sleep. 

I offered you more snacks and milk but you weren’t interested. You huffed and threw your arms around.  You were irritable and frustrated.  Perhaps I wasn’t doing things fast enough.  Perhaps you didn’t know what you wanted. I don’t know the answer.

I then changed your nappy. That wasn’t fun for us. You cried and wriggled.  It is always like this. I try to do it quickly so it’s not a long affair but it doesn’t make it any easier.  We wrestle to do what should be the simplest of tasks.  I’m helping you and I wish you knew that. Once the deed is done, you then put your arms out towards me, as if to say “mum please pick me up”, and “I’m tired, I would like some sleep”.  Always obliging, I take you to your room.

As we walk your head nods back and forth.  Your arms are around my neck and your eyes half closed.  She will be asleep before long I say to myself. It’s a good feeling that. As soon as we reach the familiar surroundings, your cot, the closed curtains and the painting on the wall your eyes open and your arms and legs began to wriggle with all their might.  Although you want sleep, you don’t want to sleep.  It can be difficult to reconcile.

I knew where this was heading but I tried my best.  I read you a story, I rocked and shushed you.  I tried some white noise.   I left you, I came back and left you again. Nothing worked.  You insisted that I not leave you. For one reason or another you needed me there. So, there I stayed with you for 45 minutes, helping you get the sleep that you so desperately needed and a bit of time that I so desperately wanted.

You finally allowed me to place you in your cot and fall asleep.  You were visibly exhausted by then so your permission was questionable but I didn’t care.  We got there eventually.  It was something to celebrate. So, as every mother does, my victory was to be commemorated with a much-needed shower.  I was excited.  I could finally relax for a while. As I flicked the water off my face and smoothed it through my hair and down the back of my neck, I thought about the morning.  It had been fun but it had been hard.  We will try something different tomorrow but what? I tried everything.  You got there eventually so just relax.

So relax is what I did, for five seconds, before the fire alarm went off and she woke up again.