Growing through the hard

Sleep.

Or rather, lack thereof.

This remains a large part of our parenting narrative.

And I know this isn’t uncommon.

That it’s normal for babies and young children to not have ideal sleeping patterns.

I also know that this too shall pass.

But it feels like a lifetime right now.

Every night I wonder if tonight will be tonight.

Will I wake, but they don’t?

It’s become such a delicate thing.

When they do sleep, it’s precious. A rarity. Something to saviour.

There’s so much groundwork involved. So much care, love, and trying to remain calm.

And I’m fragile.

I know what it takes to have to start over.

If my husband comes to bed late, and so much as says a word, I’m at him.

If visitors turn up, I politely but hastily preface any discussion with “just letting you know, that the baby is sleeping”.

If I hear the puppy bark, I feel my skin crawling with anxious rage.

I never thought this would be it. Our reality.

And it’s not their fault. They are perfect.

It’s not mine either, although I sometimes think it.

Our worth is not defined by sleeping through.

It’s just the cards we have been dealt.

But this is what happens when sleep isn’t guaranteed.

When there is a challenge to get them down at all, and for them to stay there without needing you again for a reasonable length of time.

It consumes you.

You get better at coping, sure, but it doesn’t mean it gets easier.

Because we all need sleep.

We all need breaks to recover.

We all benefit from relaxing a little.

But when you have gone years without any form of rigid sleep, it takes it’s toll.

No matter how much your bones ache will love for them, it just does.

And I say this without the need for advice or recommendations on what we should try.

Please, I do not want advice.

I want to document this for a few reasons.

Firstly, to provide comfort to others who may be struggling with this right now.

Secondly, to release the anxiety that comes with some of these feelings.

And finally, to one day remember how hard this stage was, but how proud I am for getting through it.

Our time will come.

We will sleep again.

But in the meantime, I’ll keep growing through the hard with them.