Filling the cracks

After a really hard day, these are some of the things I wrote down:

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“Today was so hard.

I felt like nothing went right.

I didn’t get anything finished.

No one listened.

I got frustrated easily.

I didn’t know how to handle anything.

I felt completely out of my depth.

I should have handled things better.

I felt guilty about how I handled some things.

I got caught up in my own head too much.

I doubted myself constantly.

I didn’t enjoy them as much as I should’ve.

I couldn’t wait for bedtime.

I was just so tired.

And so grumpy.

And so irritable.

I wasn’t a good mum today”.

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I wrote these things down because they were the first things I felt and narratives I fed myself.

But following a night of some sleep, I reflected.

I missed a lot off that list.

This is what I forgot.

“Today’s cracks were filled with so much love, attempts, and all I had.

I made them smile and laugh.

I got them through the day safely.

My toddler told me she loved me more times than I can count and my baby wanted to be close to me the entire day.

I love them so much.

I love them more than anything.

I showed up for them, despite being up with my baby most of the night prior, and up with either or both of them most nights over the last two years.

I stayed there with them and kept giving them the best I could in every given moment.

And I continued to be there for them in the hours of light and darkness that followed.

I was tired because I was tired.

I was grumpy because I felt grumpy.

I was irritable because of being tired and feeling grumpy.

I’m allowed to be these things some days.

These things don’t make me a bad mum.

They make me a human who is a good mum”.

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It’s easy to only see the cracks on the hard days.

They seem to stick more.

They seem to hold on for longer.

But don’t forget to see the goodness that fills them.

It’s always there.

And it’s what makes you stronger for tomorrow,

If you allow yourself to see it, to write it down, to add it to your list.