Pieces of me

From beneath me you grizzle, as if to say, “mum please give me more attention”.

Often your little hands grasp onto my pants and continue to pull at me, as if to say, “mum please come and play with me”.

From your cot you cry for me more than normal, as if to say, “mum, I don’t want to sleep so that you can work”.

Often you look at me with your little cheeks that are rosey and scarred with tear lines, as if to say “mum please come and get me. You can work later”.

Your behaviour evokes a deep guilt which goes to my core. I feel like I am not giving you enough right now. I remind myself it’s not forever, but that doesn’t quieten my inner critique.

I think about how we could do it differently. Should I have put you in day care for a few weeks? Should I be paying someone else to do this work for me? Should I have not signed up for this?

The thoughts are relentless as I try and keep everyone else happy. Not me. That would be pointless. My happiness is somewhat consumed in guilt right now.

Guilt for not giving you exactly what you are telling me you need right now.
Guilt for not being able to just stop and delay everything else.
Guilt for being a mother that has chosen to load herself up with a lot.

One day soon this period will be over and I will be more evenly spread. We can go to the park whenever and I will be in a more relaxed mood. But please be patient for now. Please know that I’m doing this for your future.

These are the things I wish you could understand as you so desperately pine for every piece of me. The pieces which are currently in the hands of a number of different projects right now. They are yours to hold but for now, please allow them to be lent.

To the mothers who are living this, know this:

All you can do is give it your best with cards you have.

Your child will be grateful for the sacrifices you have made one day.

Your child will still love you if you can’t always give them every piece of you some days.