Get your hands off me!

What is it about being pregnant that makes strangers feel that they have the right to touch you?

Is it the passing friendly smile paired with the enormous bump which says, “Please come and touch my belly”? Or is it the slow paced waddle which both gives people the idea that you have nothing better to do as well as the opportunity?

During the last three months of my pregnancy when I was not just "fat" but clearly pregnant to the naked eye, I could not get over the number of people who would place their unforsaken hands on my belly without asking as if we had known each other for years.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy for my nearest and dearest to touch my bump even without asking but, because they have manners and a social conscious, most would ask.

Random people touching me without asking before I was pregnant got the resting bitch face in response, so you can imagine what touching my bump which housed my precious first baby did. Let’s just say that they didn't come back for seconds. If they did, they had the brain the size of a pea or suffered from a severe form of social defiance.

Nonetheless, it happened wherever I went. By the six month mark, this was only really the supermarket when I wasn't working. With aisles only wide enough to fit two trolleys, inadequate parking facilities and endless queues which even the self-checkouts cannot rectify, I soon found out it was the making of a pregnant woman’s worst nightmare.

It wasn't feasible or, as some would say; logical to have Mark drive in from the farm to go to the supermarket just so I could avoid the meddlesome hands and rude manners of some of those in society. Instead, I came up with a few tactics:

1. Never make eye contact with anyone. The risk of being judged as either shy or just down right rude didn’t outweigh the infuriating rage (which had to be bottled up to avoid getting arrested) that followed an unasked for tummy touch.

2. Walk quickly, don't dawdle.  Granted, this became difficult as I neared the end of pregnancy, but if my waters were going to break I would prefer it to have been because of this rather than an episode during or following an “unintentional bump brush” (yeah right!)

3. Do all you can to deceive the public into thinking "there is nothing to show here":

a. Wear loose fitting tops with no form of pattern. If you must wear a pattern, absolutely never under any conditions wear horizontal stripes.

b. Always push a trolley. The correct technique is to place your elbows on the handlebar and lean your torso over the top of the trolley.

c. At your earliest convenience fill the tray of the trolley to the brim with groceries. I always found that stacking it with bread standing upright added an extra height buffer from the chest up.

4. Stay glued to one side of the aisle and within reach of the shelves at all times. Wear a large handbag on the other arm.

5. If people approach you after making eye contact with your bump but before you make eye contact with them, turn around and look around the aisle frantically for something a pregnant woman wouldn't eat (which isn't difficult). Failing that, waddle as normally as possible to the alcohol section. Most people would feel too awkward to approach a pregnant woman in that predicament.

If your attempts are not fruitful, and you get cornered in what always seemed to be the alcohol, cheese or seafood aisle you don't have many legal options left. As a qualified lawyer, it would also be disingenuous for me to be seen to promote the illegal options available.

However, I’ll take a "stab" in the dark and assume that many of you may be able to relate to this. While I can't "swear" by my rules, I found that they helped "kick to the curb" the regular public violation which really started to "hit" a personal nerve for me.

Until the next pregnancy…