It’s not like it used to be.

Hugs are not as frequent as they once were. I have to ask for them some days.

Sometimes she doesn’t want me to pick her up when she’s with friends. I have to carry her to the car.

I am not always the one she runs to first. And some nights I’m the last one she wants to put her to bed.

She’s bigger now.

There are more children now, but part of it feels easier.

I’ve been here before, twice.

My eldest has been here before, once.

And my middle child has never known a life without having to share me.

We meet sometimes

Kids in tow

At the corner cafe

Or a park we know

Motherhood is beautifully weird.

I feel like I’m drowning most days, yet I am floating on cloud nine generally.

Those little people I get to raise are the best. Even on my worst days - the days where I am well and truly in the depths of being a human being asked to do superhuman things and it all gets a bit much - my love for them never waivers. Neither does theirs, although I don’t feel like I always deserve it.

Dear husband,

Let me write down what I often struggle to explain, when I am at home with our baby.

I need a break sometimes. And like you, I want something for myself outside of parenting. But it’s not easy for me right now. I’m feeding our baby from my body. And comforting her from simply being there when I’m not.

I can live without the sleep, although sometimes I feel like death.

I can live without the quiet peaceful home, although sometimes I want just five minutes of it.

I can live without the regular time for myself, although some days I complain about it.

I can live without the tidy home, although sheer overwhelm often gets the better of me.

I know you know you’re lucky

I know how grateful you feel

To get to raise your babies

And feed them every meal

They take their first breath. And there I am. Underneath them. Breathless by the beauty I now hold.

They smile for the first time. And there I am. In front of them. A reflection of happiness.